


Useless, Wretched, Me

by MarvelDC31



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Episode: s01e16 Falling, Gen, Guilt, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:04:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6255745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelDC31/pseuds/MarvelDC31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of 1x16 "Falling," Kara believes everything to be her fault. With her guilt consuming her she starts her descent to rock bottom with her friends and family none the wiser. The result of her guilt forms depression, anxiety, self-hatred, and maybe even self-harm. *Trigger warning: self-harm.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Not Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Can someone tell me what time Kara's alarm clock is set? I totally forgot and want to make this accurate. Thanks. Okay, so I may have went a little overboard on the angst by accident. And there may be some slight OOC because I was aiming for the highest level of angst. By the way, tell me if I should make this a Kara/Cat fic or not. Probably won't do Kara/James though because I'm not really feeling it but maybe if many want it. This'll probably be maybe five chapters with 2k each? Idk. Anyway, comment, I'd love to hear what you have to say, good or bad.

Kara woke up at 6:45am just like always. She brushed her teeth and changed her clothes just like always. She picked up her stuff and set off to CatCo just like always. Except, it wasn't like always. No, today, she woke without the will to move. She brushed her teeth like it was the last thing she wanted to do. She changed her clothes because it was necessary. She picked up her stuff and walked to CatCo without once looking anyone in the eye.

No, today, Kara was nothing like her usual bubbly self.

Kara told Cat that she knew it wasn't really her fault, that her brain was altered, but she didn't really believe that. No, Kara only said it because she knew it was what Cat and everybody she knew wanted and needed to hear.

Kara knew though, that it was her fault. She had those thoughts, at one point or another. Everything she said and did was _her_ even if she doesn't really mean any of it right now, she meant it at one point. She got Siobhan fired, she insulted Lucy to James, she threw Cat off her own balcony, she picked and poked at every one of Alex’s insecurities and decisions, she destroyed National City’s trust in her. She hurt _everyone._ She hurt those she cared about, and those who cared about _her._ And she did it with flourish and she did it with _relish._

It doesn't matter that she regrets it now, because Kara _knows_ she didn't think twice about anything she said or did. And it doesn't matter that Alex says she will always love her, because _will_ she? Alex hated her at one point, why wouldn't she hate her now? She just destroyed the city, hurt everyone she looked at, proved just how unworthy of these powers she is. She just showed everyone what a _monster_ she is!

It doesn't matter that Cat didn't completely shun her like she should have, because Kara knows its what she deserves. And she laughs at the fact that _Cat Grant_ of all people is better than her, even though _she_ is supposed to be the hero.

And it goes to show how much of a hero she is when she destroys everything in her path in little over two days.

It’s on her journey to CatCo that she brings the thought she’s had ever since waking up to the surface, _I’m pathetic._

And she really is, she thinks, to have done so much damage just because of thoughts—that were mean and untrue—but still thought of. Kara knows deep down that it was all her fault. Never mind Trashwell Lord, it was _she_ who blew up those cars and terrified the city.

_Her_ thoughts, _her_ actions, _her_ body. It was all her fault. And now, at the steps of CatCo’s building, she realizes, _I’m not worth it._


	2. Don't Be Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara goes through her day at CatCo, just not quite as well as she normally would. Signs of depression and anxiety finally show through her everyday work habits and what she does. (God, I suck at summaries, I mean what is this.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know all too much about depression and anxiety so if some things don't seem right, please feel free to comment anything that needs fixing. I tried my best to do some research but, of course, research isn't the same as experience. Also, if you find any grammatical or spelling errors or anything of the like please tell me. Anyway, please review whether it's good or bad you're saying. I can take constructive criticism! ;) Now on to the story!

As Kara steps into the building she works in, she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. When she opens them she has a smile on her face that she _knows_ must look fake, but she keeps her chin up even if her shoulders are slightly slumped.

Kara takes the main service elevator, avoiding Ms. Grant’s private one. The one that sends a spike of self-loathing and anxiety through her at just the thought of it. She knows she won’t ever look at that elevator again, the thought of what had followed after her brief ride on it not too long ago enough to ward her away.

Stepping through the slowly opening elevator doors, Kara glances over at Siobhan’s desk. Only, there is no desk. It takes her a moment, but when she remembers that she got Siobhan fired, her empty hand twitches. Her breaths turn short and choppy and she realizes that even the smaller things she did might never be fixed. She realizes that there may be no hope for her to get her life back together again.

_And why should I?_ Kara thinks, _I’m the one who split it apart, I don’t deserve to put it back together again._

Kara walks to her desk and sets her stuff down onto it. Her hands shake and she wills them to stop, believing that she doesn’t deserve to lose herself in front of people. She hurt everyone enough already.

_They don’t need to carry the weight of my problems and issues, too,_ she thinks.

Kara’s chest is subtly heaving, and her hands continue to shake slightly. She hears Ms. Grant’s elevator moving up, which only serves to add more to Kara’s restlessness. She imagines Ms. Grant walking in and realizing that she is Supergirl, and blaming her for everything that was her fault. She imagines Ms. Grant yelling at her about how much of a _disgrace_ she is to the company—and the city—in front of all the employees. Her shoulders tense and when the elevator dings she jumps an inch into the air.

Grabbing Ms. Grant’s latte, Kara forces herself to stop shaking, to smile, and to act as if everything is all right. Ashamed of her undeserved meltdown, she glances at Winn and James on her way to hand Ms. Grant her beverage, hoping to Rao that they didn’t get a glimpse of her untimed freak out.

And it’s the fact that _no one_ noticed her breakdown that turns her already fake smile into a sort of grimace. She sees Ms. Grant is not too far away from her and smiles that fake smile of hers and hands Ms. Grant her drink.

“Here’s y-your latte, Ms. Grant,” Kara hopes that Ms. Grant didn’t catch the slight stutter in the sentence. When Ms. Grant continues her walk to her office without the slightest glance to Kara, she takes a deep reassuring breath, knowing she wasn’t caught not being 100%.

The reassurance from that breath plummets when she realizes Ms. Grant must be mad or upset at her. Kara looks down, and with shaking hands, twitching fingers, and a tense set to her shoulders, she returns to her post and sits in her seat.

Her day goes on and, slowly but surely, a sense of dread attaches itself to her which only grows as the hours pass. She tries her best to do the work presented to her, but Kara can’t seem to focus on a piece of paper or on her computer screen for longer than a minute. The fact that she either tenses or jumps at the sound of people entering the floor or walking by her desk doesn’t help matters in the slightest. 

Halfway through the day, with her lunch hour just around the corner, Kara feels a headache coming on. Which is surprising since her Kryptonian biology only lets on a headache when she has an _extreme_ concussion…or maybe just an extreme _something?_

Rubbing her temples, she tries to finish editing Ms. Grant’s email to the board. Several minutes later, Kara realizes she’s finished reading. Thinking back to what she read, her mind completely blanks out. She tries to remember what the first sentence was about and can’t seem to come up with anything.

With short and stuttering breaths, Kara reaches her twitching and shaking hands in front of her to see what work she has finished. It barely takes ten-seconds to find the finished work and gather it up, since there is _barely anything_ finished. Her whole body slumps as she taps on her desk. 

Kara feels like she can _barely breathe._ Her breaths are short, her heart is thumping, and she can feel the lecture and subsequent firing coming her way from Ms. Grant.

_Stupid, Kara,_ she thinks, _not only do you wreck everything, you can’t even help your boss by doing what you’re_ supposed _to do!_

Kara can feel the sweat dripping down her back and thinks about what people would say if they caught sight of her.She glances around, and _surprise surprise_ , _nobody_ realizes what’s happening to her. Not _Winn_ , not _James_ , and of course _not Cat._ And it’s then, that Kara will later pinpoint as the moment it all went straight to hell.

Because the first thought she has after this realization is, _Nobody cares about me anymore._ And, of course, why should they? She _is_ the one who destroyed police cars. _She_ terrorized the city, _she_ preyed on the weaker, _she_ beat up her own sister emotionally and mentally, she _threw Cat freaking Grant off her own building,_ she _threatened to kill her own damn sister in front of the man who became a father figure for the both of them._

Why would they care for her? She is the freak that Tommy Harold said she was back in middle school, she is the _monster_ that Trashwell Lord said she is.

Kara doesn’t _deserve_ having anyone to care for her.

Not even her sister, who _says_ she still loves her. Because who could love _her?_ Kara knows now, that she isn’t worth that love, knows that she is pathetic and just like Non in almost every aspect. Because even if she wants to help save people, _is that even what she is really doing?_

Astra wanted to ‘save’ the world, she thought she was too, and her methods were wrong. What if that’s exactly what Kara is doing?

_What if I thought I was helping, but was really just scaring people into believing in me?_ Kara thinks, _Maybe I just finally went too far and now they all see me for who I really am?_

At this point, her eyes are rapidly glancing around, her whole body is slightly shaking—especially her hands—her headaches _worsened,_ she can’t concentrate on _any one thing,_ and she _still can’t breathe._

Kara looks up to Ms. Grant, who’s sitting in her office working, and bolts to the washroom the moment she knows it is safe to do so. Her shaking has grown, muscles twitching as she tries to calm down while sitting on a toilet in a bathroom stall.

Kara’s breathing has grown rapider, and she’s sweating more than she ever has without working out. She just feels so _tired._ She doesn’t want to get back up and go out and _work._ She just wants to go home to her bed and wallow in her sadness like she _deserves_. 

But, she knows it’ll only make things with Ms. Grant worse, and plus if anyone still cares even _slightly_ , she doesn’t want to burden them with herself anymore than she already has. So, Kara closes her eyes and takes slow deep breaths. She thinks of every happy moment she’s had, any time she’s felt content and at peace. She wills herself to stop shaking, and after a few minutes of silence, her headache decreases and she thinks she’s back to normal. Or as normal as possible right now.

Standing up, Kara opens the stall door and washes her hands and face. Feeling more refreshed, but overall not much better, she slips the mask of ‘Happy Kara’ onto her face and steps out of the washroom.

The moment she steps out she hears it, “Kiera!”

With her head turned down, Kara rushes over to Ms. Grant’s office, picking up her notepad and a pencil from her desk along the way. She opens the glass door, and with perkiness she doesn’t really feel, says, “Yes, Ms. Grant?”

Kara throws a bright but fake smile in there too, hoping Ms. Grant doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Ms. Grant barely glances up at her through her glasses, eyes focused on the layout under her eyes.

“Kiera. I’ve been calling for you. For over a minute,” Ms. Grant states, anger bubbling beneath the surface of calm.

Kara freezes, millions of scenarios flashing through her mind, each worse then the last. She thinks of Ms. Grant firing her on the spot like she did with Siobhan. She thinks of Ms. Grant’s suspicion of her being Supergirl rising up again and calling her out. She thinks of Ms. Grant finally being _done_ with her sorry excuse of a life and throwing her under the bus like she knows should happen.

Because she can’t even do the _smallest_ part of her job. Kara always felt like she wasn’t enough, but now she realizes that there had to have been something _more_ needed in that case. She realizes now that she isn’t _anything._ There’s nothing to add to, to become _enough._

And now Ms. Grant is ranting on and on about how Kara should be _better_ , talking about how her style choice is now _worse_ then _ever,_ about how _pathetic_ she is—something she knows already—and Ms. Grant just doesn’t _stop_. She goes on without stopping for a breath on every little issue of Kara’s. Every little thing that could be thought of as a problem is spewing out of Ms. Grant’s mouth.

The sad part is, though, that Kara agrees with every single thing. Because she is pathetic, she has no style, and she really _should_ be better! She is Supergirl, she is supposed to be super and an idol and she ruined it.

Because now, Supergirl is at terrifying alien that shouldn’t be looked up to. Now, Supergirl is a fraud and now there is no one for little girls to aspire to be and no one to give women a good name. In fact, Supergirl may have just given women a _bad_ name instead.

And it’s all Kara’s fault.

Everyone is now staring at her and Ms. Grant through the glass doors, and Ms. Grant hasn’t stopped once in her speech on Kara’s terribleness. Her hands are shaking, her body twitching, tears are forming in the corners of her eyes. Her breathing is unsteady, her headache is worse then earlier, and she can feel her heart pounding—ready to jump out of her chest—and she’s just so damn _tired._

Kara just doesn’t _care_ anymore. So she decides to do something that she _knows_ will result badly for her. But, who cares, right? She knows no one cares about her so maybe she should just do something and end at least some of her suffering.

So Kara takes a deep breath in and shouts, “SHUT UP!”

It seems as though the whole city has suddenly gone quiet, when, in fact, she knows it’s only the one floor that has. Kara watches as various emotions play across Ms. Grant’s face. Shock, confusion, anger, and then comes the emotion that means Kara is in for it. Calmness.

Kara had hoped that shouting would make her feel better, but it seems as though her shaking has just gotten worse. The dried sweat from earlier is now hidden over a new layer of sweat. And she can feel it dripping down the nape of her neck. Her face is now caught in a deer-in-headlights expression, and she knows all her fears are going to come true.

Kara just _knows_ that Cat Grant is going to fire her and humiliate her in front of everyone, because she just yelled at her like never before. The disrespect that Kara intentionally put in her voice was dripping while she shouted, and no one disrespects Cat freaking Grant. _No one._ She didn’t even disrespect her this much in her anger induced fit, Post-Red Tornado.

Kara feels helpless as she watches a plan form in Ms. Grant’s mind. A plan, she knows, is going to make her life here at CatCo a living hell. Because she can already tell she won’t be fired, oh no, she’s going to have her work life turned into something worse than ever before. And any fondness Ms. Grant might have ever had for her is _not_ going to save her from it.

_At least I know that I deserve it,_ Kara thinks, _and this is what I wanted right? To punish myself for all the bad I did the last few days?_

And it must be, because why else would she intentionally disrespect and yell at Cat Grant? As Ms. Grant opens her mouth to say whatever it is she’s going to say, Kara takes pleasure in the fact that the living hell she’s about to find herself in, is warranted by what she’s done and what she deserves.

With cold, hard eyes, Ms. Grant says evenly, “Get out.”

Kara nods with her head turned down, and bolts out the glass doors. Hurriedly grabbing her stuff from her desk, Kara races to the main elevator and pushes the ‘down’ button so hard it cracks slightly.

No one tries to stop her—no one even attempts to speak to her—let alone comfort her. And this just cements her thoughts, no one cares for her. No one should care for her, and she truly does believe that. Kara ruined every relationship she had, destroyed the city’s trust, and said _so many things_ that she doesn’t even _believe._ But it doesn't matter, because she said it and now she’s paying the price.

Kara steps into the elevator and finally, after what seems like a millennium, the doors slide shut. She takes the thirty or so seconds that it takes to reach the ground floor to at least _try_ and look sane, but all she manages to do is keep her tears in check.

When the elevator doors slide open, Kara speeds out of the building. Halfway to her apartment she can feel the wet, hot tears streaming down the soft skin of her face. Her body shakes as her sobs intensify, and she keeps her head down as to not attract attention. She knows she must look like a mess, but who’s going to notice? It’s not like there’s a single person on planet Earth—or any planet for that matter—that cares about her anymore.

With all the things Kara did the past few days, she’d be more surprised if anyone even glanced at her on her way to her home. The guilt has been slowly crushing her, but she knows that her guilt is justified. 

Running home, Kara almost gets hit by two cars and a bus. She’s not worried about getting hit, she knows she’d survive it. It doesn’t even matter if she’d be outed as Supergirl, because _who freaking cares?_

Actually, Kara kind of wishes she _were_ human. At least then, if she got hit by a car or bus, this would all be _over._ But no, she doesn’t deserve to die quite yet. She knows she has _a lot_ to make up for.

Kara’s shaking hasn’t stopped, it’s gotten worse really. Her headache is still there, her heart is beating so damn _hard,_ she’s just so _tired_ of it all, and she _still can’t breathe._ By the time she’s standing in front of the door to her apartment, she looks like a demon dragged straight out of hell. And she _feels even worse._

Kara’s hands just _won’t stop shaking._ She drops her keys multiple times, and she’s too afraid of her own power and mental stability to even _think_ of crushing the lock—let alone actually _do_ it. 

Because she can’t stop thinking that if she lets her anger—or any feelings, really—get the better of her, she will turn back into the monstrous Kara that she was the last couple of days. The Kara that she knows is still inside her—has always been inside her—the one that has been buried deeply into the recesses of her mind.

Kara always knew that there was a darkness inside of her—the anger she showed before the Red Kryptonite is proof enough—but she never would have thought she was such a _disaster._ Such a _monster._

It takes Kara at least a full two minutes to unlock and open the door, and in the back of her mind she is grateful that there is nobody present to witness the colossal breakdown she’s having just now.

The moment she shuts her door she hurls all her stuff across the room and onto her sofa. She stands there a moment, just a few feet from the entrance, and just closes her eyes. She is shaking so _hard,_ and she just wants everything to _stop._

Kara is atlas and her guilt is the world. The weight of it is slowly crushing her, pushing her down, until she’s on her knees. She realizes only moments later that she actually _is_ on her knees. 

She can’t concentrate on anything, not the sound of cars honking, not the sound of children’s laughter from the nearby park. Her minds gone blank and she wants nothing more then to just _give up._

Kara can’t find the will to move, and she knows she should eat, but it’s _just too hard_ to get up and do _anything._ So she doesn’t. She sits there, in the middle of her apartment, with her knees tucked into her chest and her head between her knees. 

Curled into a ball and heaving, with a pain in her chest, she feels an overwhelming sense of panic. She feels like _everything_ is wrong and there’s _nothing_ she can do to make it right. She has _no control_ and it’s almost exactly how she felt under the Red Kryptonite. And that just escalates her breathing troubles into hyperventilation.

Kara is trembling, feeling like she’s about to pass out. She _hopes_ she passes out because then at least it would all end for a moment. She’s crying—sobbing, really—like she never has before, and there’s only one thought racing through her mind at the moment, _This can’t be real…please, don’t let this be real, please!_

And so Kara lays there, huddled into herself. She lays there for hours, begging for everything to be fake…and begging to wake up _happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was angsty enough for you guys. If it was too much then...oops? Not really sorry, and don't worry, it's only going to get worse from here on out. Don't forget to comment!


	3. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is called to the DEO, where a new Director has been temporarily appointed. On the way there, and at the DEO, many revelations are unearthed in Kara's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In 1x16 Kara tells James she's jealous of Lucy because he loves Lucy and not her. I'm not much of a Karolsen fan, so think of the sentence with ** as Kara being jealous of what Lucy has accomplished and who Lucy is, instead of James' love for either of them.**  
> So this might not be quite as angsty as I was hoping, but I'm sort of building up to the self-harm, so I kind of needed this chapter before we get to that. Again, if I've made any mistakes about depression, anxiety, spelling, or grammar, please let me know. Thanks. Plus I haven't really planned this out, so if there's anything you'd like to see happen, just let me know. Anyway, now onto the chapter!

Kara finally passes out from exhaustion after a few hours. She sleeps for no longer then two hours before she’s rudely awakened by her cell phone ringing. Her breakdown seems to have made controlling her senses harder, because the ringing is like a tornado in her head.

Kara covers her ears and screams to herself quietly, doing her best to get a hold on her super-hearing. It takes a few moments, but finally she’s able to listen to her phone ring _without_ wanting to dig a hole for herself. Taking a few deep breaths, she checks the time quickly, _5:23pm._ She glances at the screen of her phone and jumps up to grab it the moment she reads who the call is from… _Alex._

Clearing her throat and attempting to sound like her old self, Kara answers the call, “Hey, A-alex.”

Kara mentally berates herself, _I can’t even answer a phone call correctly, what is wrong with me?_

Hoping that Alex didn’t notice her slight shudder, she waits for a response.

“…Hey, Kara…is everything all right?” And so, Alex _did_ notice… _great._

Kara pastes a smile on her face, hoping that it’ll help her act as if she is fine, “Hm? Oh, yeah everything is fine, Alex. Don’t worry.”

Kara takes a deep breath, hoping that one acting class was enough. She begins to lose hope when a reply isn’t immediate. 

She’s about to speak again to reassure Alex when Alex talks, “Okay, good. We need you here at the DEO, we think we may have found an alien that works closely with Non. We could use your help to detain him.”

Kara tenses, and suddenly she’s filled with doubt, thinking, _What if I can’t be a good Supergirl anymore? W-what if I kill this new alien? I-I beat up the Khund pretty roughly, and he wasn’t even working with Non…_

Kara can feel her chest tighten, her hands sweat, and her breathing turns erratic. She can’t concentrate on _anything._ Her mind goes haywire and she’s just so _scared_ of what she might do.

Red Kryptonite Kara only did what Normal Kara was afraid to do. But now… _now_ she’s already done it, what’s stopping her from doing it again?

Kara knows she’s been quiet just a tad too long, and she hurries to cover up her mistake, “Yeah, sure. I’ll be over in a jiffy.”

Kara can just _feel_ the suspicion and confusion radiating off of Alex on the other end, and she hopes Alex doesn’t suspect anything too bad.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, I understand with-with what happened the past few days if you’re not. You don’t have to come,” Alex voices, concern—that Kara thinks is probably fake—dripping from her tone.

But Kara is already nodding halfway through, “No, no, I’ll come. Don’t worry, Alex, I’m doing well enough.”

Her heart is still pounding, and sweat is pooling at the bottom of her back. She knows she really shouldn’t go, that not only might she lose control like she fears, but she could get extremely hurt in her current state of mind. But…she _doesn’t care._

“Okay, see you soon, Kara,” Alex says.

“See ya, Alex!”

The moment she hangs up, Kara drops her fake smile and holds her head in her hands. Thinking back to the conversation, Kara can’t hold back her groan. She was so _stupid_ to pause like that. _Of course_ Alex would become suspicious, and _jiffy? Really?_ Kara can’t believe how stupid she is. No wonder she was infected by Red Kryptonite, she’s _such_ an idiot.

Can’t even hold a _conversation_ properly, anymore. Kara can’t believe she didn’t realize just how _worthless_ she really _is_ , before. And now, she has to go fight an alien and make sure the darkness that she knows is inside of her doesn’t consume her.

But why not let it? At least then, maybe next time Alex and J’onn and the DEO will actually _kill_ her like she _deserves._ She’s a _monster_. To say the things she did, to _ever_ have even _thought_ them…what kind of a person is she?

Kara tries to swallow her guilt, at least for now, so that she can go and help. So she can go and do _something_ worthwhile. She stands, but the thought of having to put her Supergirl suit back on, sends a wave of nausea over her. She threw Ms. Grant off a _building_ , in that thing, she said unimaginable things to _J’onn_ —someone who always treated her like his own—in that thing.

Revulsion hits Kara, hard and the mental weight of it makes her stumble backwards a few steps. Thinking of the suit on her skin, after what she did, makes her shake. It makes her tremble like never before. Because what if she puts it on and goes berserk again? She doesn’t want to chance that.

A door slams somewhere in her apartment building and she _jumps_ , her shoulders set tensely. Her hands twitch, remembering all the _bad_ that they did. Her breaths turn short and choppy, while a headache builds into an inferno. Her mind blanks, and all she knows is the _panic_ that she feels.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Kara knows that she needs to stop herself from having a full blown panic attack. She tries, she _tries so hard,_ to focus on _anything_ other than how she _has_ to put on her super-suit soon. She tries to focus on the new born child’s heartbeat at the other side of the building, she tries to focus on the barking of a dog at the nearby park, she tries to focus on the coffee machine thats brewing in the apartment next to hers… _but she can’t._

All she can think about is _panic_ and fear of _herself._ Kara’s eyes are bouncing around, trying to focus on _anything_ , but all she can see is herself hurting people, people she _cares_ about. 

And just when her erratic breathing is about to turn into full on hyperventilation, just when she’s about to succumb to a full blown panic attack, she remembers something. Back when she first came to Earth, she had minor panic attacks, and whenever that happened Alex came to her with her old childhood blanket.

Kara realizes that it’s a really childish thing to do, but she rushes to her closet—where she’s kept the blanket al these years—and snatches it into her hands. She collapses onto her bed and curls into herself, hugging the worn yellow blanket as tight as she can. She remembers Alex telling her to take deep breaths to match her own, and works to match her breathing to memory Alex’s breathing. 

Kara focuses on nothing but her breathing and the feeling of the blanket under her hands, and after a few minutes she’s feeling better. Her panic attack is long gone, and so she lets herself lay there for a few moments, thinking back to when she was _sure_ Alex loved her. She’s not so sure about that anymore, though.

With a long sigh, Kara sits up. She can’t believe she let herself fall into the beginnings of a really bad panic attack. She thought she was over this, and all it took was one thought of an inanimate object to topple her over the edge.

_Weak, worthless,_ and _pathetic,_ the only words Kara is sure can associate with her. Besides _monster,_ of course. She can just imagine her mother and what she’d be saying right about now. Probably something along the lines of, _This is not how the house of El acts,_ or _I would think my own daughter would be better than this,_ maybe even _The Kara I knew wasn’t such a disgrace._

And if her mother were alive—and she _knows_ these are the words she’d be saying—Kara would agree, because Kara Zor-El wasn’t this weak. But she isn’t Kara Zor-El anymore, she doesn't _deserve_ the title of El. She doesn’t even think she deserves the last name _Danvers._ She is simply Kara, the alien screw-up.

Kara sighs yet again, and walks to her bathroom to freshen up. No amount of acting will dissuade _anyone_ if they saw how she looks. Gazing at the mirror, Kara can’t help buy think she looks almost like Bizzaro on the outside. She knows she’s worse than Bizzaro on the inside, though.

After washing her face, Kara decides to forego make-up, and makes her way to her closet to change into her super-suit. The moment she spots it her breath hitches, images flashing through her mind. She turns away, takes a deep breath, and shuts down the oncoming thoughts.

When she feels ready, she uses her super-speed to change, not looking at it for long helping keep her anxiety about wearing it down. Once changed, Kara walks to her kitchen, thinking a light snack would help since she missed lunch and it’s almost dinner time. But, looking at food makes her stomach clench, so she decides she can just eat later.

With a deep and calming breath, Kara jumps off her balcony and makes her way to the DEO. Halfway there, her interest in taking down bad guys fades, especially given that she knows she’s a villain herself. Before, going out as Supergirl filled her with joy and a sense of duty…now it doesn’t.

Believe her, the sense of duty is still there,—she has to make up for what she did somehow—but no more does she feel happiness from it. The only reason she’s going right now is because she _has_ to, it’s a part of who she is. But she’d rather lay in bed because she has no desire to do _anything_ anymore. Plus, she has to keep up a facade for Alex, so that’s another reason.

Kara’s concentration wavers, and she dips down, almost crashing into a building. _So stupid, what do you want to do more damage, even subconsciously?_

Kara can’t believe she can’t even _fly_ properly anymore. Like she said before, Trashwell Lord was right, she’s a _danger_ to this city. She feels the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes at the thought.

She never _wanted_ to hurt anyone, but all it took was a chunk of Kryptonite and suddenly she destroyed _everything._ And the worst part is, she’s not 100% _sure_ if she never wanted to hurt anyone. What she did and said, they were _her_ thoughts. All the bad stemmed from _her_ mind, _not_ anyone else’s.

So, what if the bad was what Kara _really_ wanted? What if she wanted to be like her cousin so much, that she buried her true self deep inside of her, and the happy-go-luck, brave, kind Kara is a fake?

She can’t imagine what that’ll do to Alex. Kara knows Alex at least _used_ to love her, but if she loved the before Red Kryptonite Kara—and that Kara was fake—then what would happen to their already damaged relationship? Kara hopes that Alex can grow to love her again—there’s absolutely _no_ way Alex still does—but she thinks, _maybe the real me isn’t_ worth _loving?_

And the thought of Alex never caring for her again—while it’s all Kara’s fault—is soul crushing. The tears she’s been holding back flow freely, as she sobs in midair. Her body shakes and she just wants to turn back around and _go home_. She’s dreading talking to Alex face to face, especially since she’s the reason J’onn is imprisoned. 

Her eyes slam shut, she forgot about J’onn. In all her own misery, she forgot that _J’onn is in prison because of her._ Kara wishes she could make all of this go away, or at least take all the punishment herself like she _deserves._ J’onn tried to save both Alex and herself, he doesn’t deserve to be punished for that—the thought of her own punishment is something she keeps in the back of her mind, though—he deserves to be free.

And now, because of Kara, he’s being held captive. He made a promise to Jeremiah Danvers to keep Alex and her safe, and now he’s being penalized for it. _What would Jeremiah think?_

He’d probably be ashamed of Kara. He went to the DEO to keep _her_ _safe_ and he _died_ because of it. How does she repay him? _By harming his daughter and destroying the man he left in his wake to protect the person most precious to him,_ of course. 

Rao, what Kal-El must think. Sweet little Kal-El, her baby cousin that always looked at her in such amazement back on Krypton. He must be repulsed with who she is, with what she’s _become._

Her hands shake in front of her. Her sobs have increased by now, thinking of all the people who are and who would be mortified with what she’s done and what she is. Kara’s flight is filled with tears and anger towards herself. She reins it all in when she’s nearing the DEO, she won’t let anyone know what she’s thinking.

She doesn’t _deserve_ to get any help to get through whatever this is. Not with what she’s _done_. She’s nearing a lake and decides to splash her face with some water, she’d be no good fighting a Fort Rozz escapee with tear tracks trailing down her cheeks.

Kara predicts that the water must be cold, but not cold enough to effect her with her Kryptonian DNA. Another thing she isn’t worthy of. She could punish herself by falling into a freezing cold ocean, but _no_ her undeserved powers stop that from being an option.

She’s finished washing her face in moments, and is back to flying mere seconds later. Kara makes sure to keep her feelings bottled up for the time being, nobody at the DEO needs a sobbing Supergirl on their hands.

The moment she touches down at the base, Alex is by her side. And the moment she realizes that, Kara flinches away. She’s already hurt Alex _so much,_ she doesn’t want to do anymore damage. 

A flash of hurt crosses Alex’s face, but it’s gone so quick that Kara thinks for a moment that she hallucinated it. But, she knows she didn’t. She hurt Alex again even if it was done unintentionally, she still hurt her. A fresh wave of remorse, guilt, and self-loathing hits Kara hard. It takes just about _all_ of her to keep herself from reacting physically.

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t react mentally. Oh no, Kara berates herself for her idiocy. She tries to stay away from Alex to save her from the harm of being in Kara’s immediate proximity, but _all_ she does is _hurt her._ Even when Kara tries to _help,_ all she does is _harm._

Alex motions for Kara to walk with her, “Right, well we have got a new Director of the DEO, temporarily.”

Kara had expected as much, but hearing it made it just that much more real. J’onn J’onzz wasn’t impersonating Hank Henshaw anymore. He wasn’t the head of the DEO anymore. And it was _all her fault._

Kara nods slightly, “Who?”

Alex hesitates, and that’s enough to send alarm bells ringing in Kara’s head, “Alex, who’s the new Director?”

Alex takes a deep breath, “Lucy Lane.”

Kara really shouldn't be surprised. Lucy Lane has been in the DEO before, she’s familiar with how the department works. _Of course,_ she’d be chosen to fill in. It’s the most logical choice, especially with her connections.

Lucy Lane is a smart woman with lots of drive. The fact that she’s the head of the DEO isn’t much of an issue for Kara. No, the issue is when she remembers what she said about Lucy. 

Yet another person used by Kara to hurt someone she cared about. Even if she hurt James more than she hurt Lucy, the guilt of saying such things about Lucy still forms and gets added to the pile of guilt already inside of her. The pile of guilt that, at this point, is at least the size of Mount Everest.

It takes a moment, but she realizes why Alex paused. Alex probably thinks that Kara dislikes Lucy. Which she doesn’t of course, like she said to James, she’s just jealous of her.** The thought, though, that Alex thinks Lucy being the Director would honest to Rao _offend_ her or something is slightly less hurtful then being bulldozed by a semi with Kryptonite nearby.

_But what do you expect,_ Kara thinks, _with the way you acted over the past few days?_ Kara understands why Alex would think that, though. She’s not entirely sure she won’t suddenly go insane and try to hurt Lucy the moment she sees her. Red Kryptonite Kara would have hurt her physically and emotionally, what’s stopping her from doing it now?

Kara thinks about what could happen. What if James told Lucy about what she said? What if James told Lucy her secret identity? What if Lucy hates her for what she’d done under the influence of Red Kryptonite? That last one is honestly quite probably, really. But, what if _Lucy_ _locks her up like they did with J’onn?_

Kara’s palms start sweating, and her heart beats _faster_ and _harder._ She now realizes that even though her Kryptonian brain works faster then the average human, she’s been so absorbed in her thoughts that her pause after Alex spoke is _way too long._

Another thing to later berate herself on. She shouldn't forget that she isn’t the only person out there. She knows she should have replied right away, that Alex shouldn't have to be kept waiting by someone as _pathetic_ as _her._

Kara pastes on a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes as the two of them walk through the DEO’s main entrance, “Lucy? That’s great! She’ll be a good Director for the time being, I’m sure.”

Kara really hope that her smile passes the genuineness test. Alex’s eyes flit around her face for a moment, and Kara tries her absolute _best_ to make herself seem _okay_ and make her smile seem _real._ After a few seconds, Alex nods, apparently satisfied with what she found.

“I agree, so far she’s been doing a hell of a job. The place is almost completely back to how it was w-when J’onn w-was Director,” Alex’s voice stutters at the end, raw emotion slipping through when she thinks about what has happened to J’onn.

And Kara just feels _worse_ , because it just reminds her how she stole away not _one_ but _two_ father’s from Alex. _It’s only a matter of time,_ Kara thinks, _before I take her mother away by accident, too._

Kara tries to change the subject, “So who’s the alien I’ll be fighting?”

It’s an obvious and desperate attempt, but Alex lets it happen anyway, “They’re called—”

Alex doesn’t get to finish her sentence because at that very moment the two of them step into the command centre, the main area where everyone goes when there’s a problem or when there’s no real work to do.

Everyone includes Lucy because that’s the first person Kara sees when she steps into the space.

Lucy cuts Alex off, “Supergirl,” she says with a cold tone filled with such _distaste_ and _hatred_ that Kara feels she’d be frozen solid if Lucy were the one with freeze breath.

“Back from stealing candies from babies, I see?” Lucy continues.

Kara feels the world tilt on its side because—judging by everyone’s stares—all of the DEO seems to agree with what Lucy thinks of her. The whole department thinks she’s a candy stealing, baby terrifying, _monster._

And Kara can’t help but silently agree, _I am a monster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget to comment, I'd love to hear whatever it is you have to say! And if there's anything you want me to write (it doesn't have to be Supergirl) then let me know! Until next time, hasta la vista.


	4. Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy shows how she truly feels about Kara and Kara fights another Kryptonian and takes a knife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys! I had a lot on my plate, but here it is! Don't forget to comment, give me some ideas, and alert me about any errors! Thanks!

Kara doesn’t know why, but she had thought that she’d catch a break at the DEO. They knew about the Red Kryptonite, Kara thought that they might be at least _slightly_ more forgiving then the city and anybody else.

_But why would they,_ Kara thinks, _it’s not like you deserve to be forgiven._

Kara knows that Lucy has never been very _impressed_ by Supergirl. She did say it was like meeting a celebrity and thinking, “Wow, that’s it?” So, Kara knows this should have been expected.

She slipped up, and now Lucy and everybody else has a valid reason to hate her. Kara has a valid reason to hate herself, too. She’s got to go on knowing that the person James loves hates her. Lucy and him are going to get back together, she knows that, what’s going to happen to her friendship with James then?

Kara knows what’ll happen, it’ll crumble into tiny pieces, never able to be fixed…and maybe that’s for the best. She’ll only end up hurting James and Lucy even more, right? She could try to gain back Lucy’s trust—if she ever even _had_ it—and she could try to get Lucy to like her, but there isn’t anything to _like_ , now is there?

She’s a _monster_ , she’s _untrustworthy_ , and she hurts _everything_ and _everyone_ she touches. Kara can spend years trying to make Lucy like her, but it’s _never going to happen._ It’ll be better to just listen to what Lucy says, take the truth, and live with it.

“I-I don’t know w-what you mean,” Kara answers Lucy’s most likely rhetorical question.

Kara should’ve just kept her mouth shut, but _of course_ her stupid brain didn’t get the memo. She sees anger flood Lucy’s features, as well as almost everyone at the DEO. Her heart pounds, her palms sweat, her breath hitches, her back tenses, and her eyes dart around the room.

And she’s _terrified_ of what Lucy and everyone is going to say, because even if it’s true, she feels herself slipping. Sooner or later she knows she’s going to break and as much as she deserves it, nobody else does. Kara closes her eyes as Lucy opens her mouth.

“You don’t know what I mean?” Lucy asks incredulously, “Are you not the one who terrorized the city? Are you not the one who took the adoration of children and trample it?”

Every word is a punch in the gut, and every sentence is a slash of a Kryptonite blade. Kara flinches at every bad thing Lucy says, and she doesn’t stop there. No, Lucy lays it on _thick._

“You _threw_ Cat Grant off her own _building._ You flew around and showed _everybody_ your _true_ self and _horrified_ adults and _children._ You said things that _can’t_ be taken back to your own _sister_. And even if we’re glad we know about J’onn J’onzz now, _you_ are the one who _sold him out._ ”

By the end of Lucy’s rant Kara is sobbing, trying to hide it but the shake of her shoulders giving her away. Alex might have tried to shut Lucy up, but she mustn’t have tried _hard._ Why would she? Kara knows that she’s not worth it. Lucy said it and she said the truth.

_She_ threw Cat off her building, terrorized the city, hurt her sister’s mind, body, and soul, and got J’onn caught. Kara already knew all this though. What really hurt, what beat down on her heart like a Kryptonian defeating their enemy, was the fact that this was _Lucy_ and that _all of the DEO_ believed it was her fault.

That little bit of hope that she had left? That little bit that hoped that _maybe_ she was wrong? That hoped that this wasn’t really all her fault and that she was just overreacting? It _died._ This is her fault, she ruined everyone’s lives, hers the most. She deserved it but no one else did. She hurt every single person in at least some way and—and everything is _all her fault!_

Lucy goes on and on about hoe everything is her fault—something she obviously already knows—and she hits Kara where it hurts. She talks about how not only was what happened recently her fault, but that she is the reason her parents aren’t with her. Speaks about how Superman—her baby cousin—was better off without her looking over him and that it’s her fault either way that she wasn’t there for him. And—of course—don’t forget the fact that Jeremiah Danvers is _also_ dead because of her. Nope, can’t forget _that_ , right?

Kara’s body shakes, and the sharing grows worse with every word uttered by Lucy. Her body twitches, and she just wants to _leave._ Sweat is dripping down her neck, and she’s nervous enough about losing control as it is, she doesn’t need to _add_ to it. A headache builds and Kara thinks about rubbing her temples.

She’s still sobbing, she’s still having a hard time breathing, she’s still sweating with a pounding heart, but Kara tried her damned _hardest_ to listen to what Lucy is saying. As hurtful and as heartbreaking as it is, she needs to hear it. To know what’s wrong with her and all the wrong she’s done in her life. But _she can’t concentrate._

Kara strains her ears, and she can _hear_ Lucy, but no matter what she does she can’t _make out_ whatever Lucy says. Can’t _remember_ a word after her breaking point more then halfway through Lucy’s tirade. Her nervousness doubles, because now she’s _panicking_.

Kara can’t remember what Lucy’s said, can’t focus on anything but her own thoughts. She’s _useless,_ _scary, a_ _freak, murderous, a_ _monster, horrible, an_ _abomination, unfit to be a sister,_ and more according to Lucy.

Hands sweating, bottom lip quivering, body shaking, breathing strenuous, head and heart pounding, eyes spilling tears, and Kara _breaks_. She's suddenly dizzy and she _can’t stand straight._ She tumbles backwards and falls onto her ass, head barely missing the corner of a table.

Lucy stops mid-rant. The whole department goes silent, and Alex freezes. Nobody moves, not even Alex. No one steps forward to help, nobody seems to _care._

_Of course they don’t care,_ Kara thinks, _you know you’re not worth caring for._

Kara lays back, head on the floor, and shuts her eyes. Thoughts of herself—bad thoughts—swimming through her mind. She tries her best to collect herself, tries to lock her feelings into a tightly packed box in the back of her mind. It doesn’t _quite_ work, but after a few moments she opens her eyes, breakdown hidden behind a mask of happiness that is so utterly _fake._

Nobody notices of course, because you’d have to actually look Kara in the eyes for that. No, she’s not _worth_ looking in the eyes. Kara stands slowly, almost all evidence of her anxiety attack and despair gone.

She takes a deep breath and lets it out, “Alex said you need me to capture a Fort Rozz escapee working with Non?”

Lucy scoffs, “Key word: _need._ Don’t want you here but you were lucky enough to have powers so here we are.”

That tightly locked box with Kara’s emotions? Yeah, it loosens and splinters. She sucks in a deep breath to keep herself from showing the cracks appearing on her heart and soul. She nods, showing Lucy that she understands. That she _knows_ her powers are all that’s good and special about her.

_Powers,_ Kara thinks, _that were also used for bad, too._

She cringes, her powers are only _good_ when being controlled by an outside force. Like the DEO, Alex, or Lucy herself. When her powers are controlled by her? Well, we’ve seen evidence of Kara using it for bad, never mind the good that is probably _all fake._

“But yes,” Lucy continues, “we think we got a lock on one of the Kryptonians in Non’s army while he was undercover. We need you to look at his face and tell us if he really is one of those Kryptonians.”

Kara nods, knowing speaking will amount to nothing more then another verbal bashing. Or at the very least, a scathing remark. She takes a good look at the man on the main screen, and after a few moments nods.

“Kryptonian soldier?” Alex asks to be sure.

Kara nods again, thinking speaking is only for those who deserve to be _heard_. Lucy nods to herself, battle strategies already running through her mind. The Kryptonian soldiers location pops up on the screen, and Lucy calls Alex over to her. Most likely to discuss an effective means to capture the enemy.

Kara glances at the location, and an idea—admittedly horrible idea—crosses her mind. She really shouldn’t go alone, the chance of actually winning the fight is low and she doesn’t want to go crazy and accidentally lose control. But the thought of the fight—of the beat down—is entertaining. Finally getting the punishment she deserves, a thought that has satisfaction flooding her mind and body.

Kara glances around, and noticing that nobody seems to care about what she does—about _her_ —flies away and out of the base. She has a feeling that it’ll be at least ten minutes until someone notices her absence, enough time to get to her destination and have a brutal fight.

Her flight only takes two minutes, and Kara spends those two minutes with relief. She hopes that maybe Alex will care about what she’s doing. She knows it’s a really stupid thing to do, but she _doesn’t care._ She’s finally going to be hurt the way she hurt many others. She deserves it, and also hopes that Alex lets her do it with little fuss.

She thinks back to what Lucy said, and a tear escapes the corner of her left eye. Wiping away any about to spill, Kara focuses on thinking about at the upcoming battle. In no time, she’s landing right behind the Kryptonian soldier.

“Stop right there,” Kara demands, voice wavering ever so slightly.

Non’s subordinate turns around slowly after stopping his trek. Kara finds it suspicious that she found him in an unpopulated area, but dismisses any other thought, focusing on the fight looming over her.

“Ah,” the soldier starts, “Kara Zor-El. Non will be pleased when I bring him your head.”

Kara _may_ have thought about letting that happen. The thought of all this ending _finally_ is overwhelming. 

_I deserve it,_ Kara thinks, _don’t I? Maybe…maybe it’ll be better to let him kill me._

But Kara realizes she can’t let that happen. Pain she should feel, but death is too sweet for her. She needs to stay alive and help, make up for what she’s done and stop Non _once and for all._

“We’ll see about that,” Kara replies.

The soldier smirks a deadly smirk and flies straight to her. Kara feels her reflex’s ushering her to sidestep, but she clamps down on them, letting her enemy get a good shot straight at her face. She flies to the side and her enemy pursues his prey. Kara tries to stand, but before she can, Non’s soldiers hand swipes at her. She’s thrown at least fifty feet to the right, and she knows her face is going to be _seriously_ bruised tomorrow.

Kara manages to stand, and finds a leg making it’s way towards her ribs. She stops herself from watching it and lets it slam straight into her chest. She hears three of her own ribs crack—and when she lands on the ground—knows that they’re broken. Kara rolls onto her stomach, but before she can lift herself an inch, the soldier is already there. He kicks her repeatedly in the gut, back, chest, head, face, legs, arms. Over and over and over, and he _doesn’t stop._ The only Kara can think is, _finally._ Finally she’s getting her just deserts, getting what she deserves. She smiles, because _finally!_

Her enemy grabs her by the hair and pulls her mostly limp body up, gripping her neck with two hands and squeezing. It’s at this point that Kara realizes it’s gone a tad too far. She’s about to kick him in the chest when she feels it. It’s then that she learns how unbelievably _stupid_ she is.

Using one hand, Non’s soldier flips open a compartment on his belt, and out shines green light. Kara feels herself weakening even more, and _of course_ , her enemy is just _fine_ , with the device strapped to his shoulder.

Kara’s sluggish mind only forms a few coherent thoughts, one being, _Kryptonite._

_My idiocy knows no bounds,_ is another one of her few thoughts.

Her enemy lifts the two up at least twenty feet, and uses his super-strength to throw her deep into the ground. Kara groans loudly, no fight, no strength, no _will_ left in her.

_This is it,_ Kara thinks, _I’m going to die._

And the funny thing is, _she’s fine with it._ She knows she’s got a lot to make up for, but _what ever._ She’s finally getting to die, finally leaving this Earth that doesn’t have anyone that _wants_ her. She wants to help more, right her wrongs, but she can’t now, and dying is the next best option.

So Kara smiles as her enemy approaches her. She smiles a wide bloody smile and _laughs_ because he’s got a Kryptonite knife with him and it’s all going to be _fine._ The soldier is almost upon her, taking his time, enjoying her pain, when he’s shot.

Kara looks up and around her and sees the DEO. They’re here, and they’re kicking the opponents _ass._ Shots of Kryptonite fly all around her, and she feels even weaker then before. Suddenly Alex is there, right beside her. She’s asking her to stay awake, to stay with _her,_ but Kara doesn’t _want_ to. She just wants to _die._ She knows everyone—probably even Alex—want her dead, so why not?

She glances to her left and sees Non’s soldier fall, sees DEO agents swarm him and cuff him and knock him out. And all she can think is, _lucky,_ because he gets to be locked up and live knowing he did what he thought was right. But _her?_ She knows she has to go on knowing she’s done wrong. That’s if she survives, or course.

Kara looks at Alex and mutters two simple words, “I’m sorry,” before passing out, hoping she’d just _die_ already.

Kara wakes up some time later in the medical wing of the DEO. Her head is pounding and her entire body hurts. She sees the sun lamps above her and immediately goes to get off the bed, because she doesn’t _deserve_ to heal. She _deserves_ to fell this pain. She glances at the clock in the corner and sighs, _9:52pm._

Kara stretches, revelling in the pain even as she winces. She stands and makes her way over to the door, swinging it wide open and glancing down the hall. After she’s sure the coast is clear, she floats to the main part of the department, hoping to go through it quickly and get to the exit soundlessly. The moment she’s there though, her hopes are squashed.

“What,” Alex says through gritted teeth, Lucy standing beside her, “were you thinking?”

Kara adopts a guilty expression and drops to the ground, “I-I wasn’t.”

Lucy scoffs, “You’d need a brain to be able to think, wouldn't you?”

Kara flinches, pulling at her sore muscles and bruised skin. At least she’s not bloody anymore, even if her suit still has dried blood on it.

Alex sighs, “You can’t do these kinds of things, Kara. It’s reckless and stupid and will get you hurt.”

Kara knows that, she did it to _get_ hurt. It _was_ reckless, but she got what she deserved, didn’t she? Shouldn't the two of them be happy about that?

Kara nods, “I-I know, Alex.”

Lucy takes that as her cue to explode, “You know? You jeopardized the whole mission! He could have killed you, and then we’d lose our _one_ advantage! You are so stupid! You can’t even fight right! If only you’d have actually _won_ the fight, then it’d be better. No, though, you lost _spectacularly!_ You’re only superpower seems to be ruining everyone’s lives! Especially your sisters it seems!”

Kara’s head snaps up from looking at the ground, “W-what do you mean?”

Alex shakes her head and opens her mouth, “Nothing, it’s fi—”

She’s interrupted by Lucy though, “No she deserves to know. Because you lost the fight, _Supergirl,_ Alex had to get involved. And you know what? Because of _you_ she broke and arm _and_ a rib! Hope you’re happy, you disappointment.”

Kara was feeling horrible already with what Lucy was saying before. She was sweating and her heart was pumping. She was shaking, tears leaking out of her eyes. But to hear that she’s at fault for her sisters pain? _That_ is the tipping point.

Kara sobs out loud, “Oh Rao, I’m so sorry, Alex. I’m s-so sorry!”

“It doesn’t matter!” Lucy shouts, “It’s still your fault!”

“No, it’s not!” Alex screams, “Kara listen to me, it’s not your fault!”

But Kara _isn’t_ listening. She’s mumbling out sorries and she’s a _mess_. With one last shouted “sorry” she rushes to the weapons room. She has no idea why, but the moment she glances at alead-sheathed Kryptonite knife, she realizes.

She’s heard of people self-harming, it’s a relief for them. And the thought of feeling the pain she deserves whenever she needs…it’s thrilling. Kara knows she shouldn’t—her parents, Alex, Eliza, Kal—they’d be angry.

_But,_ Kara thinks, _they’re already angry, what’s one more disappointment?_

Without thinking about it anymore, Kara grabs a knife. She flies as fast as she can back to her apartment, sobbing and shaking the whole time. Her heart still pounds, and she’s still sweating, but _who cares?_ She’s just looking forward to using the knife, to stop feeling like a _disappointment_ at least for a _little_ bit.

Kara looks down at the knife in her hand, and she _smiles._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment!


	5. Stop Hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A knife is used, a woman visits, and hurt is felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for taking so long! It's just that writing about this was sort of getting to me and so I had to take a short break and write some Kara/Barry stories. Anyway, this seems to me like one of my worst chapters ever, but I don't know I'll let you guys decide. Please comment and let me know what you think! Thanks. Oh, and let me know about any mistakes! Now, on with the chapter!

When Kara lands in her apartment after flying through the window, the first thing she does is strip out of her Supergirl suit. She doesn’t deserve to _look_ at the suits, never mind _wear_ it. The crest of the House of El is for the honourable, and honourable is the _last_ thing she is right now. She doubts she’s ever been _truly_ honourable in her life. It was probably all just a mask, a mask to cover up her true and _disgusting_ self.

In nothing but a bra and panties, the Kryptonian sits on the floor. After making sure nothing damageable is near her, she slides the Kryptonite knife out of its sheathe. The effects hit Kara instantly, and all she feels is powerless and tired. Holding the knife in the air, she examines it.

Her shaking had lessened through her flight, but it returns at full force now. Kara’s hands sweat at what she’s about to do. A tremor runs through her body, and her heart pounds in excitement. _Finally,_ she’s getting what she deserves. And maybe she’ll feel less guilty after this, maybe she’ll feel a little more relieved.

The youngest Danvers holds the blade to her wrist, and her skin turns green from Kryptonite exposure. She winces at the pain, but continues to keep the knife where it is. Undecided about whether or not she should _really_ do this, she thinks about everything that’s been said and happened.

She got Siobhan fired. She hurt James. She threw Cat Grant off her building. She destroyed National City’s hope and trust in her. She physically, emotionally, and mentally pained Alex to the point of no return. She continued to get her sister hurt, even _after_ she was no longer affected by the Red K.

Kara turns angry. Angry at her mother for sending her to Earth, angry at Maxwell Lord for creating Red Kryptonite, angry at the world for all that has happened. Most of all, she’s angry at _herself_ , because everything was her fault. If she wasn’t a part of anyone’s lives they’d all be safer. They’d all be _happier._

Kara’s face sets in resolution, and she digs the blade’s edge deep into her Kryptonian skin. She sighs, in both pain and relief, before dragging the blade from one end of her forearm to the other. Her blood dribbles out of the cut, and Kara smiles. She does it again…and again…and again.

In less then a minute she’s got four long but shallow cuts on her forearm. She wants to cut deeper but revolves to start slow and get deeper. And she knows she’s going to continue this. Her shaking had decreased steadily after the first cut, guilt lessening with punishment, and relief pouring over her at having an escape when necessary. She _needs_ this. Kara did it once, and she _won’t—_ she _can’t—_ stop now.

Cutting? Self-harming? It’s a part of her now. A part she’s glad to have. Pain is what she deserves for the amount of it she dealt out, and it’s what she’s going to get. One way or another, she’s finally getting what she’s wanted. _Penance._

Kara lies back on the floor and stares at the cuts on her wrists, making sure to keep the Kryptonite nearby as to stop them from healing. She lays still for who knows how long, letting her blood flow out of her and onto the ground. She stares at her blood, mesmerized, because when has she _ever_ bled this much?

Soon, though, the pool of red grows to alarming amounts. With Kryptonite nearby, her body doesn’t even _try_ to heal. Feeling weaker than a human, with blood loss, danger is imminent. Kara knows she’s trading into dangerous territory. Someone could walk in, someone could later see the dried blood, someone could find her _dead._ And suddenly her earlier relief is _gone._ Scrambling to stand, she stumbles to the bathroom, spots appearing in her line of vision. When the door slams shut she grabs a towel and holds it to her cuts, hissing at the slight pain. Away from the Kryptonite, she feels her wounds healing, and she shivers.

Once the four cuts have healed she washes away the dried blood on her arm and dries her hands. Taking a deep breath, Kara sobs. She slides down the door and tucks her head in-between her knees. Her nails dig into her legs as she feels a panic attack approaching.

Her hands shake, her body trembles, her heart pounds, her forehead sweats, her breathing quickens. And she’s _terrified_ and she feels _guilty._

_Why,_ Kara thinks, _why did I_ do _this?_

She knows why. She did it to feel better. To release her guilt over what she did, to get what she _deserved._ But now…now she’s going to hurt others even _more._ Alex is going to be _enraged,_ Eliza is going to be _disappointed,_ and Kal is going to be _sickened._ James, Winn, even J’onn if he hears, are going to be _devastated._ She’s trying to _stop_ hurting those she cares about, not hurt them even _more._

But that’s what she does, isn’t it? She hurts and hurts and hurts and she covers it all up with a sunny personality that is _fake._ Because she’s a monster who _never_ stops hurting people. She can put on a cape, put on the “S.” She can fly and rescue kittens, she can stop bullets from hitting innocents. She can do _a lot of things,_ but she can’t be _good…_ not really.

She didn’t even need to be hopped up on Red Kryptonite to hurt her sister once more. She just had to be _herself,_ and suddenly another person she loves is getting hurt. Its like Lucy said, _her only superpower seems to be ruining everyone’s lives._

Kara’s sobs grow, and her body shakes from the force of them. She feels like she’s _drowning_. Drowning in all the bad…drowning in all the bad that she’s _done._ Her heart is about to _jump_ through her chest, she’s choking on _air,_ her breathing is as fast as she can _fly_ , her arms form goosebumps as she _shivers_ , spots appear _wherever_ she looks, and _this can’t be real._

Everything in her life is a horrible _mess._ Everything is at its worst…herself, her job, her super-heroics, _life. Nothing_ makes sense anymore. And all Kara wants is for everything to _be a dream_ because she can’t _live_ like this anymore. She’s ruined all her relationships, she’s ruined her own life as well as others, and it’s all just so _wrong._

Kara glances up for a moment, and even the bloody towel feels _fake._ She wants nothing more than to start everything over again, but she _can’t._ Her breathing is still erratic, and her panic attack is worsening with her thoughts, and _this is her life now._ She can’t go back to Sunny Danvers, even if that really was her. She just _can’t._

She suddenly hears Alex’s car on it’s way to her apartment, and Kara’s head pops up. Her panic attack gains severity, and all she can think about is the _blood._ The blood and the knife that is still all over her floor on the other side of the door. The blood and knife that her own sister _will_ see unless she does _something_ about it.

She tightens her hands, nails almost cutting through her palms, and forces herself to breathe normally.

_In,_ she thinks, _out._

_In…out._

_In…out._

Her breathing starts to even, and Kara thinks about donuts. She thinks about flowers and she thinks about chocolate. She thinks about _good_ and before long she’s managed to bring herself down from her attack. She sighs and leans back, banging her head onto the door as hard as she possibly can. It hurts, but at this point she doesn’t even acknowledge it.

Kara can hear Alex a block away and suddenly her eyes widen. She stands and leans onto the counter, breathing through the sudden wave of dizziness that overcame her. Her head aches and her hands shake, but that doesn’t stop her from stumbling to where she keeps clean towels. She grabs a few and practically _flies_ to…to _you-know-where._ Staring at the pool of blood at her feet her stomach churns. Of course, that could also be the Kryptonite knife thats not more than _three feet away._ Instead of sheathing the knife, Kara leaves it there, hoping to bring more pain even while cleaning the mess she made.

She kneels down onto the floor and lets her trembling hands use the towels to wipe up her blood. She moves sluggishly, her arms tiring in seconds. It could be the Kryptonite, it could be because she’s given up hope. It could be both, too. Either way, she’s just so _tired._ All she wants is to go to bed and sleep forever. She wants to sleep until things are better and make _sense._ She wants something she can’t ever have.

Looking at her blood, looking at what she’s done, her self-loathing only grows. She can’t even _cope_ properly. She knows she can’t do anything _right_ , everything she’s ever done in life she’s done _wrong._

She couldn’t abandon her home to help Kal _right_ , she couldn’t assimilate to Earthly ways of life _right,_ she couldn’t save two people in a car accident _right,_ she couldn’t blend in at school _right,_ she couldn’t stay out of trouble _right_ , she couldn’t work at CatCo _right_ , she couldn’t make friends _right,_ she couldn’t be Supergirl _right,_ she couldn’t help her sister _right,_ she couldn't save the city _right_ , she couldn't even _live_ right. She can’t do _anything_ correctly.

Kara tried to do right by everyone by getting what she deserved, but all she could do was be a pathetic _disappointment._ A member of the honourable House of El, on her knees trying to clean her own blood that she spilled herself. Her mother, her father, her aunt, Kal’s father, his mother, her adoptive mother, her adoptive father, her friends, J’onn, and especially her _sister_ , would all be so damn _disappointed_ in what she’s become. She’s supposed to be _strong,_ she’s supposed to be _Supergirl,_ but all she is, is _useless_ and _pathetic._ Unworthy of being called a part of the House of El.

Kara suddenly wants to _scream._ Everything is just too much. Living is getting harder and harder. And she doesn’t think anyone even _wants_ her to live. James said he needed time, but what if what he really meant was _all_ the time. As in to _never_ see her again.

Alex said that what she said had some truth and that they needed to work on it, but what if she was just faking it? What if Alex realizes that, really, _she_ doesn’t need _Kara?_ Because that’s the ugly truth, Alex can live a life without her, but she _can’t_ live a life without Alex. She just _wouldn’t_ be able to. In the past, the only reason Kara didn’t give up hope and kept on going and being good was because of _Alex_.

If Alex needed her at any time she was there, because she never really had anywhere else to be. Alex could go on to be a great scientist, have friends, get married, and do it all without _her_. But Kara couldn’t do anything without her sister watching her back. She’d probably already be dead ten times over by now.

She had wanted to scream before, but now all she wants to do is cry and curl into a ball. Except she can’t because the blood is all cleaned up and Alex is just outside the building. So Kara throws the bloody towels into a hamper, sheathes the Kryptonite knife with some difficulty, and hides the weapon.

She can see Alex on the elevator, ready to do whatever she needs to help. So Kara sits on her couch and breathes. Closing her eyes she plasters on a fake smile, before her eyes snap open. Alex is just down the hall when Kara realizes she’s wearing nothing but slightly blood red panties and a bra.

She can feel herself beginning to panic and takes slow deep breaths. Calmly—or as calmly as she can be—she super-speeds into her bedroom and throws on her pyjamas. When she’s dressed, she hears a knock on her door.

Kara holds back tears, not wanting to face the sister that she’s hurt multiple times over in the past week alone. But, with no other choice, she stumbles to the door and grips the handle. Pasting a smile on her face—one that obviously doesn’t reach her eyes—she almost breaks the handle as she twists it.

When the door opens Kara’s fake grin grows, “Alex!”

She steps back to let her sister in and, after a moments hesitation, goes in for a hug. She assumes that is what Alex expects from her, so she does it. Even if hugging the elder Danvers sister is like getting hit with a boulder named guilt. She’s hugging a woman with hands that have brought so much pain to said woman and a lot of other people.

Alex chuckles and hugs back, bringing a queasy feeling to the Kryptonians stomach. Maybe her sister _does_ care for her, but it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t deserve any care or love. With what she’s done, she can only assume any care shown her way is fake. People like her don’t deserve anything but punishment and hate.

When the two pull away from their hug Alex says, “Kara, how are you?”

Kara stops short, the question churning in her mind. How _is_ she? She doesn’t even _know_ how she is. She knows she’s feeling guilty and horrible and just plain _bad._ But how does she explain what she is really feeling? How does she explain the growing pit inside her heart? How does she explain the need for punishment? How does she explain the desire to make up for what she’s done, while not knowing _how?_ How does she explain the emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical, pain she’s _always_ carrying around?

How does she explain how she _really_ is?

The answer, of course, is she _doesn’t_. Because Alex doesn’t _need_ to hold Kara’s problems on her shoulders. Because Alex doesn’t _need_ to feel obligated to help. And because Kara doesn’t deserve anything less than having to carry the weight of her own issues _by herself._

When Kara looks to Alex’s face she realizes she’s taken way too long to think about her answer, and so she panics, “I’m fine! I’m good! Y-yeah, I’m—I’m great, Alex.”

Suddenly Alex’s face goes from content to concerned, “Kara, are you sure? You seem…off. Are you _sure_ everything’s fine? Do you need something?”

Kara keeps her mouth shut, berating herself for what a _failure_ she is. She can’t even _talk_ properly! She nods at her sisters first two questions and shakes her head at the last. Hoping that the DEO agent sees nothing wrong with her new promise to stay quiet and not ruin any thing else.

Alex observes her before she winces, “Do you…do you not want me here? Do you want me to leave?”

Kara _really_ wants to tell Alex the truth. She wants to tell Alex how much she wants her big sister to stay with her. How much she wants her to hug her and cuddle her and tell her everything’s going to be fine. She wants nothing more at this moment then to tell Alex Danvers how much she needs her and wants her to stay.

But she won’t. Because Alex shouldn’t have to stay if she doesn’t want to, and she most likely _doesn’t want to._ Why would she? Who would want to sit and cuddle and watch movies with someone like her? Alex said she could touch the stars, but she could also throw someone into the _sun._ She can do so much, and unlike Kal, she’s not sure if she wouldn’t do it. She’s not sure if a monster like her could stop herself from hurting people. She’s already hurt so many, what’s to say she won’t hurt any more?

And the last thing Kara wants to do is hurt her sister. Accidentally or on purpose, it doesn’t matter. She won’t let herself hurt another person that she loves. So, she nods her head and allows Alex to believe that she doesn’t want her here. It’s what Alex deserves, to be able to get away from her and be _happy_ and _live_. It’s also what _she_ deserves, _pain_ and _suffering._

She can see hurt flash over the agents features, and more guilt is added to her conscience. It doesn’t matter if the hurt was fake—which it probably was—or if it was real. It shows on her face, and Kara won’t stop feeling guilty over possibly hurting another person she loved _yet again._ She can’t seem to _stop_ hurting people, this time around. It really is her superpower.

Alex schools her face into a blank expression—a mask—and nods, “Okay. I’ll…I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

Kara nods and attempts a smile, “Yeah, tomorrow.”

There’s an awkward pause before Alex nods once again and turns around. She strides to the door, opens it, and pauses once more.

“Kara,” Alex whispers, “it wasn’t your fault. I love you.”

Tears form in the corners of Kara’s—and even if Kara can’t see them, Alex’s—eyes and she nods, “I love you, too.”

Of course, Kara doesn’t believe a word out of Alex’s mouth. It was _all her fault_ , and there is no way someone as amazing as Alex loves _her._ But still, she let’s Alex think she believes in the charade.

Alex nods once again and steps out of the apartment and shuts the door. The sudden silence in her apartment is threatening to bring her over the edge. She’s pushed the person she loves the most out of her life, and the sad thing is, she _deserves_ it. She deserves every bad thing that happens to her. But when the bad ends up hurting others? That’s when she just feels _worse._

Alex is gone, and Kara is left behind with a Kryptonite knife, bloody towels, and despair. She squeezes her eyes shut as tight as she can, and pushes her fists into them. She runs to her bedroom and falls onto her bed. Her stomach grumbles and she realizes she hasn’t eaten _anything_ for longer than what is safe. She doesn’t care though, and so she crumples into a heap on her bed, sobbing harder than she ever has in her life. She cries until there are no tears left, until all she feels is _numb_.

And she thinks, _I want to stop hurting._

But she knows she can’t, and she never _will._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send me prompts, my Tumblr is in my bio.Tumblr.


	6. Right My Wrongs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex figures some stuff out and Kara falls deeper into the pit, albeit with a new resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG OOPS? Really, so sorry. Anyway, This was originally supposed to just be Kara angst...but what's Kara angst without Alex angst, right? Plus, I thought I'd set the path to recovery a little bit. That's why the first 2/3 of this chapter are from Alex's POV. Anyway, comment and if you want to send me prompts, my Tumblr is in my bio. Enjoy! Also, let me know of any errors, thanks!

Alex walks out of the building with a deep frown on her face. Kara might think she’s hiding it, but Alex can tell that she’s not okay. Alex _knows_ that Kara is stuck in a rut, knows that Kara needs help. Alex is aware of it all.

She’s going to do everything in her power to help Kara.

She’s determined as she walks to her car. She’s focussed as she drives to the DEO. She’s only thinking about _one_ thing when she begins interrogating every DEO agent as to their previous encounters with Kara. Her one thought? _Protect Kara._

Halfway through her interrogations she’s more worried then ever before, because every one has come to a consensus…Kara’s not _herself_ , Kara’s _hurting._ The thought of Kara going through everything seemingly alone pulls at her heartstrings. She needs to _fix this._

So, she visits CatCo. Taking the public elevator, Alex knows what she needs to do. Cat Grant should have some insight on Kara’s recent behaviour, all she needs to do is squeeze it out of her.

Alex walks out of the floor, heads to Cat’s office, and pauses at the sight before her. Never, not once, has Cat ever looked so… _frazzled._ She knows that if anyone saw Cat Grant like this it'd be all over the tabloids because here she is, the all elusive Ms. Grant, pacing back and forth in her office with—are those tears?

Alex knocks on the glass doors and Cat’s head snaps up. Walking towards Alex, Cat opens the door, sighing and shaking her head. This just makes Alex feel even more anxious…what in the world could have Cat acting like _this?_

“Come in, come in,” Cat mutters, going back to pacing.

Alex steps into the office and coughs slightly, “I’m here to talk to you about Kara.”

Cat makes a noise that Alex chooses to ignore, “She’s been acting… _strange._ And I know that she’s just your _assistant_ , but have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?”

Finally, Cat breaks, “I may have gone over board today, Agent Danvers. Yelled at her too much, told her to leave after she told be to, and I quote, _shut up.”_

Alex had straightened the moment Cat mentioned yelling, but the end of her short rant had her on red alert, “She told you to shut up?”

Cat sighs, slumping into the nearest couch, “I was calling for her and when she did eventually come, she came from the washrooms. She didn’t look very put together and…I wasn’t sure what to do.”

Alex’s heart rate speeds up and she demands, “ _Meaning?”_

Cat rolls her eyes, “ _Meaning,_ she was looking off all day. Then she comes into my office and takes everything I say. She yelled back and looked as if she hadn’t really meant any of the disrespect that had radiated from her. In fact, the entire time she was tre—”

Suddenly, Cat stiffens, holding in a gasp as she whispers out, “ _Trembling.”_

Cat looks to Alex, frightened for the assistant she has admittedly come to care for, “She was _trembling._ She looked like she was _falling apart._ Alex, she looked like those who have come back from _war.”_

It honestly takes Alex a minute, and she will forever be ashamed of her idiocy, but it finally all clicks. Kara’s behaviour, looking to push others away. She wasn’t doing it for herself, she was doing it for everyone _else._ Kara is feeling guilty as hell and Alex knows the dark road this kind of guilt can lead to.

She’s lived it. The only problem is, Kara’s living it on a _much_ grander scale. Kara’s such a good person, she’d take every bad thing and throw that blame onto her own shoulders. All the bad things that have happened recently, there’s a lot Kara might feel guilty for. A lot that she really _isn’t_ guilty for.

Alex thinks back to her last conversation with Kara, just earlier tonight. The way Kara was so obviously reluctant to say she wanted Alex to leave. The way Kara’s smiles had that tinge at the corners signifying the lack of happiness her usual smiles have. The now obvious pain in Kara’s eyes. Alex analyzes _every_ part of Kara from their last meeting.

She thinks of Kara’s face. How her smiles were always a millisecond too late to be genuine. The guilt moving as tidal waves in Kara’s eyes. Kara’s need to seem completely _fine_ even though its obvious she’s not.

Alex moves on to the apartment itself. It was quite a mess, but that’s not entirely odd. She thinks of every crevice, every speck, trying to find something that might make things have more sense. She clenches her eyes tight, trying to think of _everything_.

When her mind pinpoints a certain part of her memory that requires a red flag, Alex feels like puking. Bloody towels, that’s what she remembers. A fucking _bloody towel_ hanging slightly out of the hamper. Now she knows what had initially put her off, it was the smell of Kryptonian _blood_. 

Alex is _this_ close to murdering Maxwell Lord because he is no doubt the one that forced Kara to tip over the edge. That _motherfucking asshole_ , god Alex can’t believe she had _dinner_ with him. She pushes thoughts of Maxwell Lord’s murder by her hands out of her head, her focus needs to be Kara.

Thinking even harder, she remembers a familiar looking item peeking out from under a blanket. Alex can’t pinpoint where exactly she’d seen the item before, but she knows its something important. Knows she needs to remember to get to the bottom of all of this.

She continues to think about when she responds to Cat, “War…Cat, Kara’s had a… _tough_ time, recently. I-I think she might be spiralling.”

Cat scoffs, “Of course, after that Red Kryptonite accident it’s no surprise.”

Alex wants to feel shocked, she really does, but this is Cat Grant, “So, you know.”

“Yes,” Cat stares condescendingly, “I know.”

Alex is not in the mood for this, “That’s just great. You knew and you still _yelled_ at her!”

Cat stands up, attempting to intimidate Alex, “I thought it would motivate her! I got angry and wasn’t thinking straight!”

“And because of your inability to control your anger,” Alex growls, stepping menacingly towards Cat, “this is where we are, right now. With Kara’s mental and emotional stability in the balance!”

“That is _not_ my fault!” Cat glares, “Its yours and your damn _agency’s—”_

Alex cuts off the rest of Cat’s speech when the realization hits her, “Oh…oh, _fuck!”_

Alex runs a hand through her hair, tears forming, as she steps backwards slowly into a glass wall, “Fuck, fuck, fuck… _Kara…”_

That item she’d seen before? It was the sheath to a knife from the DEO…a _kryptonite_ knife. Alex understands now. She gets it, finally. The blood, the knife, Kara’s guilt, it all comes together to form one conclusion.

Somehow, someway, Kara is falling deeper and deeper into depression. From Cat and the DEO agents descriptions, along with her own knowledge, it isn’t over-shooting to assume Kara is _also_ developing crippling anxiety.

All of this…and Alex _just_ notices. What kind of a sister is she? Still, she needs to make sure. Needs to confirm that her worst theory, that Kara is intentionally _harming herself_ , is real. She calls Vasquez, begging the phone to connect.

Seconds later, it does, “Vasquez, I need you to send me the surveillance of the weapons room from just before Supergirl left the DEO.”

“Sure,” Vasquez mumbles, “may I question why?”

“No, you may no—” Alex cuts herself off with a sigh before whispering, “Kara may be in trouble. I-I think the Red K incident got to her in a mentally unhealthy way…”

“Why would you need the feed of the weapons room? All that’s there are a few regular weapons and a truck load of Kryptonite wea—” Vasquez pauses and Alex closes her eyes, “… _oh.”_

“Yeah,” Alex chuckles without any real mirth, mostly because everything has gotten so out of control that life suddenly just seems so unbelievably, stupidly, funny, “ _oh.”_

Moments later, her phone chimes, signalling the receiving of a video, “Thanks, Vasquez.”

Once again, Vasquez pauses, “Make sure she’s safe, and if she’s not…get her safe.”

Alex nods, sighing, and whispers, “Thanks, Susan.”

She can practically feel Vasquez’s nod over the line. When the phone call disconnects, Alex closes her eyes, praying for all of this to be a nightmare. She won’t be able to live with herself if her suspicions prove to be true. If they do…well, they shouldn’t have gotten to this point in the first place.

After a few seconds, Alex opens her eyes, gazes at her phone, and plays the video.

When she sees Kara glance at the knife with those pain filled eyes, her heart creaks. When she sees Kara grab the knife, her heart breaks. When she sees Kara rush out with the slightest of smiles on her face, her heart is ripped straight out of her chest and stomped on by the devil himself…or, equally as evil, Maxwell Lord.

By the end of the short clip, her heart is beating rapidly. Her eyes are teary, mind filled with thoughts of self-hatred. She should’ve done better, _been there_ for Kara even more. There was so much _more_ she could’ve done, and yet, here Kara is. Going to the one thing she thinks can help… _pain._ Pain to drown out the _guilt_ and _sorrow_ she so obviously feels.

Alex has never resorted to using a knife in he lowest moments. The fact that Kara— _Sunny Danvers—_ has…it shows how intensely horrific the situation has gotten. Alex never wanted this for Kara, never wanted it all to end in something like this. Being Supergirl was supposed to help Kara release her _light_ into the world, not for the darkness to eclipse _Kara._

There’s only one person to blame for this. The one who’s supposed to _protect_ Kara from all these horrors… _Alex._ Her entire life has revolved around protecting Kara, and the _one time_ it truly matters. The _one time_ it is over Kara’s life and mental stability and over _everything_ that makes Kara… _Kara._ The _one time_ she should’ve been there for Kara unequivocally…she _isn’t._ No, she was simply to _stupid_ and _oblivious_ to understand, and now…Kara has been dealing with her demons all alone without anyone there to guide her to proper coping mechanisms.

Kara may thinks everything is her fault, but this one…this one is on _Alex._

The sun is turning up, Cat and Alex have both been awake all night over their worry for Kara, and she still hasn’t done anything to _help._ Alex knows she needs to do something, needs to help Kara out of this. She just doesn’t know _how._

Alex bids Cat goodbye and returns to the DEO, trying to think of every way she can help Kara. First things first though…she needs to apologize for being an idiot and let Kara know that her worry is _genuine._ She needs to let Kara know that both Supergirl and Kara Danvers are loved.

Alex is determined to set this right. The moment Kara steps foot into the DEO, she’s going to make this _right._

* * *

 

Kara wakes up…but she doesn’t know when exactly she fell asleep. She doesn’t care, though. Nothing matters anymore. Her life is a mess. Alex doesn’t really love her, the DEO hates her, the city fears her, Cat Grant can’t stand her, and she is nothing but a pathetic alien who should’ve died with the rest of her planet.

Honestly, what’s the point of getting off the couch? She could just sit there for the rest of her life, rot away like the garbage she is. It’s not like anyone’s going to miss her, right? She could vanish off the face of the Earth, right now, and all that would happen is people would _celebrate._

Her back aches, her neck twinges, and her entire body feels like its gone ten rounds with Kal-El. She wishes that were true, at least then she’d get the pain she deserves. Kara looks up to the roof of her apartment, and truly questions the pros and cons of getting up.

Cons, getting up will only lead to more people having to endure her presence. People will get hurt just because she’s existing and it’ll all be her fault, once more. Getting up will get nothing done because, no matter what she does, nothing’s going to get better. Her life will stay the way it is and everyone will still hate her. At least, she deserves that hate, though.

More cons, if she gets up, she’ll have to go to work. She’ll have to endure her responsibilities as both Kara Danvers and Supergirl. She’ll have to go get breakfast and lunch and dinner…she’ll have to _feed_ herself and actually _eat._ Rao, she’ll have to go to the DEO and face a sister that hates her guts. She’ll have to face _thousands_ upon _thousands_ of people who hate her just because she feels the need to save them.

Although, is that need real? Or is it a figment of her demented imagination that was conjured to his the true face of the monstrosity the honestly is?

Now, for the pros…except that there are absolutely _none._ How is getting up going to _benefit_ her? It’s not. It’s only going to harm people who don’t deserve it. The only person who deserves _pain_ is herself. Something she can easily attain from her couch.

All this thinking of actually getting up finally hits her. Her hands start trembling, the thought of human contact suddenly _terrifying._ She was pondering the thought of moving from her position on the couch before, but now? Now the thought will never cross her mind again.

She _dreads_ the idea of facing someone. Not when she could easily snap their neck or crush their spinal cords or twist their body into some kind of mangled _mess._ Her breathing stops for a beat before increasing tenfold and her hands flutter around. 

Kara rests her shaking hands on her forehead, a headache reaching its climax, when suddenly her chest feels like it’s constricting. Between her heavy, short, and fast breaths and chest pains, Kara feels like she’s going to _die._

The thought of death is welcomed, though. The thought of finally _leaving_ this cruel world that only seems to get _crueler_ the longer she participates in living. She knows she could never kill herself, that’d be like spitting on her mother’s grave. Her parents sacrificed themselves so she could live. Killing herself would not do them any justice.

Now, on the other had, if she were to die by some kind of natural cause…well, thats all fair game. That’s a game she begs to win. Death…her loved ones would be extremely happier in the long run without her.

She chokes on air somehow. Kara doesn’t care, as long as all her pain just _ends._ Her entire body shakes, her head swims, her stomach churns, she’s cold and then she’s hot, her heart is beating out of her chest, the pain in her chest overwhelming, and _she can’t breathe!_

Kara wonders if this really is what dying feels like. This surge of panic and pain and the feeling that nothing is worth it. Is this really what death feels like? Kara doesn’t know death quite as intimately as necessary to properly answer her own questions. Doesn’t know death quite as intimately as she wants to.

She glances around, trying to find anything to end her suffering, and she spots her knife. A cut should help her somehow, right? Somehow is should…right? She lifts her hand, but the moments she sees it she moves it towards her face.

Her hand…it doesn’t seem _real_. None of this seems _real._ The knife is too far away and she’s just _floating._ Her heart beat is exceedingly wild and she’s in pain _everywhere_ and she _still can’t breathe_ but it doesn’t matter anymore.

Nothing matters anymore because nothing is _real._ Anything can happen to her and it just won’t matter. Why should it? It’s not going to effect her in a way she cares. Death is death, if it comes for her then great. If it doesn’t, she’ll use her precious knife.

It just doesn’t _matter_ because Alex and James and Winn and J’onn and Cat and Lucy and Kal and the DEO and the city and her parents and Eliza and _every single person in the galaxy_ hates her. Hates her with a hatred that is completely justified.

Kara is sweat has drenched her pyjamas completely at this point. Her heart rate is far above the limit for even _remotely_ healthy, even on a Kryptonian. Her chest aches in a way where relief can only be found in death. She’s shaking and trembling and shivering and she _can’t stay still._ Her breathing is rapid and choppy and choking her and the oxygen in her lungs just _isn’t enough._ She feels like she’s going to pass out, and at this point, she’d welcome unconsciousness with open arms.

At this point, she’d welcome _anything_ with open arms as long as it isn’t living her pathetic and horrible excuse of a life. A life that represents herself accurately.

Kara grips the couch, closes her eyes, and lets her tears flow. She knows she said she’s okay with dying, and a small part of her is, but a bigger part—a part of her that is still _Sunny Danvers—_ doesn’t want to give up. Dying might be the best choice, she’s accepted that, but she doesn’t want to die without _trying_ , anymore.

She has _so much_ to make up for. She can’t leave this planet without _trying_ to right her wrongs. Even this version of Kara can’t allow herself to die so dishonourably. What about Alex? Alex, who hates her guts but still deserves so much of what Kara needs to give?

She’s fine with dying if its necessary, a part of her welcomes it, but she needs to make things _right_. Only then can she die. Kara resolves to make others happy before dying with her sorrows. Resolves to give all of her stuff away, make people glad they have their good lives, and then she can die. _Then,_ she can die the horrible death she knows she deserves.

Her heart rate still hasn't decreased, her chest is still full of pain, her body still hasn't stilled, her breathing is still horrid, and she’s feeling extremely light-headed. Kara wants to right her wrongs before a well-deserved death.

She passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally no idea where I'm going with this so let me know if there's a little something you want added. Maybe a headcanon of yours that fits into this?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to comment! Any feedback is appreciated!


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